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Why I'm a Horrible Missionary | YFNZ Creative

Why I'm a Horrible Missionary | YFNZ Creative

There are many times in my life when I get overwhelmed by all the reasons I’m not good enough for what I’m doing, that I’m messing everything up, or even that someone else would be better.

One day while I was sitting in the YWAM Furnace Prayer Room my brain was going crazy with all the reasons that I’m a really bad missionary, so I started writing them all down in an attempt to convince God why He made a mistake by calling me to this life.

The list just kept going on and on, but I found that as I was writing, that the Lord began to bring up different perspectives that I hadn’t even considered and showed me that He created me really intentionally, and He even made it rhyme!

 

I'll Be Honest

 

As a missionary I’m really the worst

I always want the newest tech, the hottest car,

And I want the latest fashions first 

 

I struggle to trust that God will provide

Even though He’s done it literally every day of my life

 

I’m selfish about what I want

Stubborn about what I think

And controlling to want things my way

 

It makes no logical sense that this is the life God has called me to

I question it just about every day

 

But what if my life isn’t based on my qualifications

What if He hasn’t called me for what I can do or say

 

What if He wants me here

Because I’m His daughter and He simply loves me?

 

I’ll be honest

 

My whole life I’ve created a pressure to prove myself

 

To be the smartest 

To be the strongest

To be better than everyone else

 

But what if that scale doesn’t matter to my Father?

What if He’s not comparing me and I’ve done this on my own without His help

 

What if my Father is just asking me is to love Him

that’s all, nothing else?

 

To love Him with my actions 

By serving the people around me

 

To love Him with my obedience 

To just say yes with no question asking

 

Perhaps He even wants me to love Him with my stubbornness 

To stand firmly on His words, to remain unshaken

To just trust and rest

 

I’ll be honest

 

Most days to just trust for me is a struggle at best

I get so caught up in the striving and the stress

 

But I know my Father and He didn’t choose me on a whim

Not even because of what I could “do” for Him

 

Even though to believe it is sometimes is tough

He always goes out of His way to tell me that who I am is good enough

 

My Father made a choice to set me free

From all of my self-inflicted pressure and anxiety

For the simple fact that He loves me 

 

And I’ll be honest 

 

I’ll never understand the extravagant love of my Father

Because for some reason 

even though I’m a horrible missionary 

He still calls me an incredible daughter

 

 

 

If you've ever felt like this, you're not alone. How can we pray for you?

Published at Sep 10, 2020 . Authored by: Abriana Davis |