There are many times in my life when I get overwhelmed by all the reasons I’m not good enough for what I’m doing, that I’m messing everything up, or even that someone else would be better.
One day while I was sitting in the YWAM Furnace Prayer Room my brain was going crazy with all the reasons that I’m a really bad missionary, so I started writing them all down in an attempt to convince God why He made a mistake by calling me to this life.
The list just kept going on and on, but I found that as I was writing, that the Lord began to bring up different perspectives that I hadn’t even considered and showed me that He created me really intentionally, and He even made it rhyme!
I'll Be Honest
As a missionary I’m really the worst
I always want the newest tech, the hottest car,
And I want the latest fashions first
I struggle to trust that God will provide
Even though He’s done it literally every day of my life
I’m selfish about what I want
Stubborn about what I think
And controlling to want things my way
It makes no logical sense that this is the life God has called me to
I question it just about every day
But what if my life isn’t based on my qualifications
What if He hasn’t called me for what I can do or say
What if He wants me here
Because I’m His daughter and He simply loves me?
I’ll be honest
My whole life I’ve created a pressure to prove myself
To be the smartest
To be the strongest
To be better than everyone else
But what if that scale doesn’t matter to my Father?
What if He’s not comparing me and I’ve done this on my own without His help
What if my Father is just asking me is to love Him
that’s all, nothing else?
To love Him with my actions
By serving the people around me
To love Him with my obedience
To just say yes with no question asking
Perhaps He even wants me to love Him with my stubbornness
To stand firmly on His words, to remain unshaken
To just trust and rest
I’ll be honest
Most days to just trust for me is a struggle at best
I get so caught up in the striving and the stress
But I know my Father and He didn’t choose me on a whim
Not even because of what I could “do” for Him
Even though to believe it is sometimes is tough
He always goes out of His way to tell me that who I am is good enough
My Father made a choice to set me free
From all of my self-inflicted pressure and anxiety
For the simple fact that He loves me
And I’ll be honest
I’ll never understand the extravagant love of my Father
Because for some reason
even though I’m a horrible missionary
He still calls me an incredible daughter
