I was alone in my room in New Zealand when a song came on:
You are the Most High God, the Great I Am
I skipped it.
I didn't want to listen to "joyful Jesus music". It wasn't the mood I was in—if anything, I wanted a somber worship song. I needed something that expressed my desperation for God during this lockdown.
I grew up in New York City—and currently, it’s being rampaged by COVID-19.
We're losing hundreds of people every week. It’s hard to be 8,000 miles away, watching this virus take away the lives of not only strangers, but loved ones as well.
I’ve always had a hard time declaring the goodness of the Lord during tragedy. It’s not because I didn't fully believe that He's good—but because I felt like "just saying it" puts a bandage on the pain, rather than dealing with it with God.
But how do you deal with tragedy like this?
I had to start with an extremely honest conversation with God. He wasn't intimidated by my thoughts or feelings—I poured my raw emotions out in front of Him.
I accused Him—then admitted I was just plain confused by how He sits on the throne, yet there is a global crisis happening.
That's when I realised most of my wrestlings stemmed from wanting to get an answer on why certain things happen.
However, at the end of my wrestle (and believe me, there's been more than just one wrestling match), God pointed to what I was setting my foundations on. He kindly reminded me I needed to set my foundation on the Truth—and not on how I felt, or even on what I heard from my family in New York City.
But what was the truth God wanted me to focus on?
I grabbed my journal and flicked to a page I wrote in the Furnace Prayer Room, before all of this—a long list of attributes of Jesus. I began to read aloud that He is a perfect leader—and also perfect in all of His ways.
As I continued to declare and pray out more of who Jesus is, I began to feel my heart lift.
We are living in a time where there is a lot of uncertainty, and things change consistently. However, let's build our foundation on who He is. In every season and circumstance, His character never changes. Throughout the thousands of generations, He has always sat on the throne, and proved Himself as compassionate and faithful.
Lastly, I can declare that He is the Most High God, the Great I Am.
And He's right here in front of me.